Photo by Philip Atkinson on Unsplash - The mill at Jesmond Dene
For a writer, everything is grist to the mill. But where is that grist during a lockdown? Especially when you’re in ‘solitary confinement’ (I live alone – and this is a joke, not meant to make light of the actual practice which I consider an unbearable assault on human rights). The mill keeps churning with no grist to chew on. Then, a WhatsApp group lights up. Those WhatsApp groups are like Diwali, they’re constantly lighting up, beginning early morning with a slow glimmer, like a well-behaved house at Diwali, with oil-based lamps casting a gentle glow over the surroundings. The day progresses and the group gets more and more enthused about all things loud and shiny.
In the time of Corona loud and shiny is invariably new information about how to ‘tackle’ Corona. As if it’s a footballer. The writer’s mill finally had some grist that wasn’t a book she was reading or a show she was watching. You must have heard about lemon juice. No, I’m not digressing here, lemon juice was discussed on the WhatsApp group specially formed for Covid Relief. Not to make nimboo paani out of. No, why would I give you a recipe for nimboo paani? Is that what you thought when you saw I’m a woman writer? Please. No, the nimboo (not paani) concentrate, (drops of lemon juice) are apparently a remedy for oxygen deprivation. Please don’t rush off to the kitchen, tilt your head and drip lemon juice in each nostril. This is not an advice blog. This is a laugh-at-the-world blog.
The next kaali photka (as we called the obnoxiously loud Diwali crackers in Kolkata in the days when environmental pollution hadn’t been recognised as a thing) was a video from a ‘news’ channel. I ignored it as I do all videos. They take up too much time, you can’t skim through them and gather the gist and there’s way too much unnecessary talking in them. Then, the comments after the lurid red video, made me sit up and take notice.
‘Hope this is true,’ praying hands emoji
‘Let’s hope this is true’ two praying hands emojis
‘21st May is tomorrow’ seven red exclamation marks
I sighed and opened the video. It said, with much sturm and drang, the Singapore University has stated India will be free from Corona by 21st May and completely free by 18th June.
My eyebrows disappeared under my fringe.
Nobody on the group challenged it. Nobody on the group challenged the credentials of Singapore University for making such a projection.
I broke my rule about commenting on WhatsApp Groups and said something about Fairy Tales.
Nobody said anything. Maybe they wanted to believe Singapore University. I did too but it didn’t dull my critical faculties.
Another WhatsApp group produced yet another gem I can’t wait to share. It was about homeopathic remedies to help with ‘Oxygen Deprivation’. I have nothing against Homeopathy and when I pass the local homeopath’s clinic (he’s well-known through the length and breadth of Delhi) and see the swelling crowds, I long for a more innocent time. A time when I believed more. I’m working at being less critical so when a friend sent me the name of a homeopathic remedy, urging me to keep it handy, considering the state of Delhi’s hospital infrastructure, I thought about ordering a bottle. Two days later there was another message from another concerned friend. Again, about a miracle homeopathic remedy ‘everyone should keep at home in these difficult times.’ Oh, there is a wave of happily cured, I thought. I checked if it was the same remedy. It wasn’t. Hmmm
What would you have done? Bought both? Checked with a homeopathic doctor? Or simply double mask before opening the front door and refuse to drop anything other than food and vitamins into your mouth – and nothing into your nose.
The tubri (flower-pot fountain firework) of the WhatsApp Groups of the week was the exhortation to drink cow urine to keep Corona at bay. Ok – nature cures are always welcome. But I ran up against a problem.
Is anybody delivering cow urine in glass bottles? When Doodh and Farmery collect the Pure Cow’s Milk from the cows do they also catch the stray streams of urine? Do the bottles get mixed up? Do they charge for this by-product of cows? The thing is, if nobody is supplying it how will people get hold of it? Will they queue up, duly masked and demure behind each cow with their bottles and steel containers? Will fights break out when the person ahead of you fills three containers while you need to wait for the cow to pee again? Will there be a black market for cow’s urine? Will it be rationed? The thing is, it’s just the kind of suggestion to grasp the people’s imagination, so when they can’t bear the lemon juice any longer or get hold of the homeopathic medicine their WhatsApp group suggests they will rush out looking for cow urine. After all, we must make that Singapore University prediction come true. Even if we’re past the predicted date. So please let me know in the comments below, how you think it will work. I’m curious. Not asking for a friend.